Today has been a bad day at work, in that though I have been at work I have achieved practically zero.
I have had a 'church going' person tell me to pull myself up by my boots and get on with life, intimating that my condition is a choice I have every day.
Who would choose to be depressed? I have been so much happier in the past when I was not in a relapse or continous anxiety and low mood or less normally manic.
Of course I compare myself to so many things that make me feel guilty/worse, thats how my head works. I can see all the phyical illnesses that people have, i can see the hardship of trying to build a life in a war torn country like Syria, people don't choose those situations just like people do not choose Mental Illness.
I feel less than others in so many ways because Im struggling to beat my mental illness even though my GP is following the medical model and im also following the Talking Therapy model to try and get some progress, its not proving easy and I understand that because my condition isn't physical in any obvious way that people might not understand how exhausting it can be acheiving very little !!! It can be though.
I'm always pleased when someone has beaten their Mental Illness or at least not relapsed for a long long while whilst navigating it. its also true that some folks dont beat it and they have to live with how it makes them feel, how if impacts performance, friendships and even of course marriages and family life. I think everybody we meet is unique and interesting and I think everyone I meet or talk to with Mental Illness is unique and interesting, each experience just like with physical illnesses is unique as well.
Im not quite sure what im trying to say but I think Im just pouring out my frustration that started with a comment to me earlier today and then was added to by my inability to work as I would like to. My head is still on the wrong axis with too much/many thoughts from past, present and future fighting for part of my mind, making analysis and decision making and creativity at work such an ask.
Im pretty sure that though it can be a First World problem no one chooses to be Mentally ill.
2 comments:
Aw mate...I feel I must apologise on behalf of church going persons :)
Of course it's not your choice to be depressed - as you say, who would choose it?
If you ever want a listening ear, totally confidential and as impartial as I can be, I'll be glad to be your friend and listen.
I know that what you are going through is neither chosen nor self inflicted. It just by luck of the draw has happened to you.
I respect you in so many individual ways and am looking forward to the day when you are able to look back and say I have conquered/learned to manage this.
Thanks Matt buddy
Missed this but I appreciate your comments
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