Happy Christmas .... War isn't Over !

So this is Christmas, and what have you done? 

  ....... this is probably a messy blog but bear with it .......

Another year nearly over.  Well this year as part of the western world we have managed to vote to leave the EU and our American cousins have voted Donald Trump as the President of the disUnited States of America.  Twice this year I have gone to bed thinking we’ll get a certain outcome only to see that the next morning the opposite outcome has occurred.  I do feel that both of these situations feel very narrowing to me, it feels blinkered to think that we are stronger outside the EU than as part of it.  The EU for all its faults did to me offer something other than just an Economic Area, it also seemed to offer a common agenda around Human Rights and Fairness.  Perhaps I’ve got rose tinted specs but I just can’t see our Brexit alternative as being something that we benefit from in the long run.  I don’t buy ‘getting our country back’.

I’ve not really done that much for the benefit of others this year, it’s been quite a selfish year in some senses apart from looking after Parents to some degree, as I have had to focus on navigating my BiPolar to try and stay at work, which I have managed though with different degrees of performance dependant on how the Mania, Anxiety and Mood have been. Its been a relatively good end to the year though and I have been able to say that since the end of October I have been on a good run where my mood has been good and this has meant being able to deal with Mania and Anxiety when the waves come. 

So work wise there have been some hard yards with more to come but I have enjoyed, almost, the last 2/3 months to some degree.  My secondment is I think helping me to make a contribution at the moment and seeing where that leads will be interesting. 

Creatively I have had a few real bursts of activity, often during periods of Mania and also during a Greek holiday when the good lady was in bed and I was left twiddling my thumbs, I wrote 30 new poems in Greece over a week.  I have also had the privilege this year of writing 50^th birthday odes for Neil Holmes, Teresa Buckle and Alli Mac, I hope they were okay folks.  I think I have found a degree of confidence as a poet this year leading to 2 charitable outings as well as Capstock for performing the poetry, with some nice feedback from those who took the time.  We had a frustrating year with the punk band Spewtum as we have struggled with getting a new drummer but friends pitched in and I think our Capstock performance was a step up from my miserable frontman job I did the prior year.  The Spewtum originals still seem to go down well.

On reflection, I think, if confidence doesn’t desert me, I would like to give more back in 2017.  In 2016 I have tried to informally help people at my work with mental health problems and I want to do more of that as I think there are an army of needs here especially in big organisations where the organisation can seem faceless, it may not want to be, but people perhaps struggling under the radar.  We have a really good team of folks who informally support Wellbeing and also filter people into the organisations Employee Assistance Programme as well as trying to provide practical support when they can.  I think that’s the key thing that I want to do, foster more of a sense of community as I feel that in recent years we have once again ended up with a ‘Looking after Number 1’ type culture and even though, with mental health there is an element of that needed there is no reason why we can’t share our experiences and make some sort of difference.  I’ve also tried to provide Homewatch support where I live though people don’t really engage with it that well, Its one of those unthanked tasks to some degree, that isn’t a problem but as I’m in contact with my neighbours I want to encourage them to keep a wider lookout locally socially in the neighbourhood.

Even though work has had some hard yards, I have been able to contribute to the Agile community within the organisation and have felt that this has been well received.

Another thing that has been highlighted for me this year, 2016, is the plight of the refugee, there have been absolute humanitarian needs for countries to take in refugess who are fleeing from fighting and persecution in 2016 yet the nationalistic rhetoric has been at odds with that across the globe.  Even in Germany who have taken in 1 million in 2016, there has been a hardening against that in recent weeks and not least in recent days because of the awful Berlin events.  Is there a challenge here for us all, to retain our humanity when these events are upon us and still want to help those in trouble.  I know the mantra comes out ‘charity begins at home’ but surely our home countries are ultimately a fortunate accident of birth for many of us that deliver us the freedoms that we have.

Peace to you all this Christmas ………………

    Tony

The Fine Art of Surfacing ...........................

The Fine Art of Surfacing is i think an album title from the Boomtown Rats, however it applies to my week this last week.  After some mania Sunday evening last weekend at a Doctor Who convention, approx 36 hours in total, I then had a horrid dip with the Black Dog and Anxiety this last Tuesday.

THEN things got better, since Wednesday my low mood has rescinded and Im left with just the anxietal thoughts, I feel much better about in myself though maybe not about myself and long may it continue.  It means Im focussing in on the anxiety thats left and navigating that however I feel so much better than I have done for 5 months.  Ive even crept out onto socialmedia !?!

Im so pleased to get some respite from the frustration and hope that I can carry that into work next week and a greek holiday the following week.  Going to try and pace myself this week so that I dont go backwards though.

The reason I used the title for the blog that Im using is that it currently feels like I've dived in off the deep end of a pool and there was initially exhilaration ( the mania ) then there was the pressure of working my way up to the surface ( the dip ) and now though there is still work to do my head has broken the surface of the water.   I will endeavour to live the next couple of weeks mindfully and power myself forward, hopefully.

Left currently really with just the anxiety to battle, what is my anxiety.  My anxiety is a set of contradictions that I battle, I have good days but mainly bad days.  My anxiety is feeling lonely in a room of people, feeling less than others, unlovable but I think in recent days I have tapped into the overwhelming feeling that Im loved and if not that definitely liked.  My anxiety is the belief that my job is beyond me and yet a few chinks have shone through this week at work and so ill push those doors and see what happens.   Anxiety, though is mainly for me a complete lack of confidence and self belief hence reading every self help book under the son, I guess I must be in danger of drowning on this swim in the river of Self Help.

Thanks to all my friends and colleagies, you know who you are.

anxiety is not always in control, anxiety is not always right, anxiety is jealous and doesn't want me to share,  to coin a phrase from Doctor Who ............. YANA ............ You are Not alone

Book about BiPolar: Surfing the Edge

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Surfing-Edge-survivors-bipolar-disorder-ebook/dp/B0167DQA70

Surfing the Edge, thoughts so far ...........................................

I've read about 40% of the book and have just read the bit about an unexpected friends death. For me this part felt delusional though the person interviewed Alistair says he felt it was very real, he reacted in a way that he had a paranormal experience, obviously a friend dying has a profound affect on you but Alistairs experience to me sounded Psychotic. In fact i was surprised that the Health Professional didnt cover that trauma in his summation of that chapter. I lost my best friend when he was 30 in a Motorcycle accident and Im still sure that from a self esteem point of view that affected me a lot, especially as I had fallen out with him prior to his death and we never got to clear the air.  I should point out that a very engaging element of the book is that a Mental Health Nurse sums up each chapter of the book from a Health Professionals point of view as service provider.

Reading this book Im getting a feeling that with BiPolar as an illness its much less triggered than some other Mental Health conditions, it creeps up on you either as a manic experience or as a depressive experience though i also have tons of associated anxiety as well. I often feel that things for me change without any reason and once again my self critic gets in on the act and regardless of any prior progress with statbility or living well with the condition thats all wiped out very quickly, in fact my BiPolar which doesnt have lots of mania but has plenty of low mood/anxiety just wipes my life aside when it comes on and though i have tools and practices I can try and use it really is normally just frustrating trying to navigate the condition.

At the moment im sitting here having read 40% of the book 'Surfing the Edge' finding it really interesting but Im aware that the three characters are different to each other and to me, their experience of BiPolar is very different to each other though it feels like they have come to terms with their illness better than I have. I have had Mental Health challenges for a long long time where things were marked down as Stress, Depression, Anxiety going back to when I was at Polytechnic where I didnt sleep for 10 days when I have my Finals exams due to my anxiety levels........I would try running every night to quiet the mania in my head ............ I just couldn't and at my first house when I was up in my Dressing Gown at 0630 in the morning in 1990 when I started painting the house for no good reason that morning. It wasn't until last year that my only time with a Psychiatrist ( bar 1 other ) gave me a BiPolar diagnosis as he spent 3 hours going through my episodes through the years.

Im not sure what im saying here but im very aware that our experiences of Mental Health are very different from person to person.

This book is very interesting though as the way it works is that 3 BiPolar sufferers are interviewed chapter by chapter regards topics and their BiPolar experience. I imagine myself being interviewed and my answers having some correlation with the three folks the book looks at but ultimately being very different.

Recommended

Depression is not a choice

Today has been a bad day at work, in that though I have been at work I have achieved practically zero.

I have had a 'church going' person tell me to pull myself up by my boots and get on with life, intimating that my condition is a choice I have every day.

Who would choose to be depressed?  I have been so much happier in the past when I was not in a relapse or continous anxiety and low mood or less normally manic.

Of course I compare myself to so many things that make me feel guilty/worse, thats how my head works.  I can see all the phyical illnesses that people have, i can see the hardship of trying to build a life in a war torn country like Syria, people don't choose those situations just like people do not choose Mental Illness.

I feel less than others in so many ways because Im struggling to beat my mental illness even though my GP is following the medical model and im also following the Talking Therapy model to try and get some progress, its not proving easy and I understand that because my condition isn't physical in any obvious way that people might not understand how exhausting it can be acheiving very little !!! It can be though.  

I'm always pleased when someone has beaten their Mental Illness or at least not relapsed for a long long while whilst navigating it. its also true that some folks dont beat it and they have to live with how it makes them feel, how if impacts performance, friendships and even of course marriages and family life.  I think everybody we meet is unique and interesting and I think everyone I meet or talk to with Mental Illness is unique and interesting, each experience just like with physical illnesses is unique as well.

Im not quite sure what im trying to say but I think Im just pouring out my frustration that started with a comment to me earlier today and then was added to by my inability to work as I would like to.  My head is still on the wrong axis with too much/many thoughts from past, present and future fighting for part of my mind, making analysis and decision making and creativity at work such an ask.

Im pretty sure that though it can be a First World problem no one chooses to be Mentally ill.

Samaritans

I had never contacted the Samaritans before as I guess I had never felt, however flat and frustrated, that I was in that level of crisis.  To me it indicated that any dark thoughts I was having were beyond me and those supporting me.

Last week and earlier this week though I was becoming incredibly frustrated such that I just needed to vent, frustrated with myself and with my progress not with any of those supporting me and following Talking Therapy ( mine is really good ) that felt stymied I decided I would contact the Samaritans eMail address.

I have to say that the response was much more thought through from Samaritans than I would have expected and the dialogue has really made me think about some things, it hasn't fixed anything but I was so cross with myself I needed an avenue to vent myself within a safe environment and though Im sure the eMail I sent to them was quite venal, the response I got was warm, supportive and well thought through.

I just thought it worth mentioning as its something that people might not exploit because it might seem very dislocated where as my experience has been thats it works as one way to have a dialogue that is meaningful, I'm on a few online forums where I have vented from time to time and well meaning though other Mental Health sufferers are the platitudes can be quite driveby and repetitive if that maske sense.

Stop Making Sense

I'm not even sure if this BLOG stuff is carthartic anymore :( Ggrrrrrr @ Self

Head on the wrong Axis

I don't know how I've ended up here again but my anxiety has been overwhelming me the last 3/4 weeks on and off, mostly on, theres been very minor short lived hypomania which meant I organised stuff I couldnt keep up and bought stuff I shouldnt have bought.

I feel like my anxietal head is on the wrong axis, instead of my head dealing with my life in linear fashion I'm somehow now processing my past, present and future life in one go, all in my head at the same time.  I was in floods of tears at the Bowie Prom when watching 'Blackstar' and 'I cant give everything away', it was very touching and melancholy just overtook me ............... I have too much stuff, I have too much, Its a symptom of 21st & 20th century life I think.  Not expensive stuff, I just have too many comics, CDs, books and other guff, my house is a tip and I've allowed myself to hoard.  It's all great cultural stuff and some of it means a lot but I've just got too much stuff that thats part of my overwhelming head that I can't process the volume of thoughts and the volume of stuff in my life.

I feel like I'm letting work down, my wife Carol down, my family down as I'm this pathetic anxietal wastrel who just can't get a grip !!!!!!

I'm trying to use the tools I have before and obviously I've seen my GP and contacted my Mental Health case worker as well to discuss what I can do,  made a few changes  but theres not silver bullet that pulls you back into a sensible head set.  I'm cancelling lots of social stuff like I did a year ago because I can't get my head around the axis change in my thought processes where everything is pouring through my head at once.  I can't read all my eMails and all my facebooks as I can't add to the volume of stuff in my head either so apologies if you have contacted me in that way, it's bust I'm just ignoring it at the moment and I know I need to take things day by day, hour by hour, I'm looking to my CBT, Mindfulness and Talking Therapy and I'm also very lucky to have friends and family who have come alongside me as ever to help me, to try and help me out of a rut again.

I wish I could just be laid back and accepting of some of the guff going through my head but instead I often manage to crank up my anxiety, not that I mean to, I don't want that dialogue in my head, I really don't but as I think I've said before theres no silver bullets, yes we have tools that health professionals provide and yes they do work, but often they don't work as well because of the baggage we bring and our warped thinking, I don't know, I'm not the expert.

I just want to be well so that my family gets the best of me but at the moment thats just not happening !!!! Friends and Family and Work colleagues can I just say thanks and I'm sorry that I don't always respond in the way that your good faith deserves.  It's ridiculously a first world problem in these days of horrors all over the news regards Syria, Africa, Asia, Germany, France etc. etc.

I wish there was a switch I good flick my good friends.  I hope life is treating you and you are treating yourselves well !!!!!!!

Poem: BiPolar High Roller

BiPolar High Roller

Hello here its the BiPolar High Roller
You never asked to be at the table
To be so unstable
Try things and be unable
To bet on yourself a complete misery

Hello here Its the Absolute Beginner
You never asked to learn about this
To be far from bliss
Everything a mental quiz
To be yourself completely miserable

From mania to mood to anxiety
Theres no way to be free
From this devil thats sits on my shoulder
With the mania I'm so much bolder
Than the pathetic whelp overwhelmed by anxiety
From fight or flight wanting to be free

Feeling im Superman and I can do it all
Mania sweeping through me Im having a ball
Sleeping so little through it all
Talking over people standing ten feet tall
For a short time thats the way it is
Until I crash and burn as i shoot and near miss
From a near miss to feeling I've totally missed the goal
To a feeling that I'm useless and I fall into a hole
Concentration becomes a thing of the past
Prickling feelings that last and last and last
Daily fatigue yet sleeping no more
All of my confidence has shot out the door

In good company the BiPolar High Roller
The Dice are rolled daily as the mood hits the floor
The Wager is living life as the anxiety closes the door
On the chances to convince myself Im worth anything
what odds will the next day bring?

***END***

( this might not be finished ??? )

Fear

I've heard a number of talks where someone espouses 7 principles to dealing with fear etc. and I have to say I've never really came up with anything that takes away or reduces the fear in something.

It's true that fear limits us from being the best we can be, however it's not something that is easily dealt with, as much as people say 'face your fear',this is definitely something that is easier said than done.

The seven specific principles that I highlighted in my talk are to: listen deeply, focus on people, be addicted to learning, be of service, flow through change, move through fear, and follow joy.

Let’s look at moving through fear. Fear is a big block for many people, whether in an agile organization or not, and in people’s lives. Fear limits people from being at their best, for example they may not:

·         Speak up about something they are not happy about

·         Ask questions when they are unsure about something

·         Try a new activity or practice

·         Share new ideas for improvements

·         Pair up with a team member to accomplish a task

·         Ask for help

·         Talk directly to someone they are struggling to have a good relationship with

·         Speak openly at retrospectives

·         Say no to a request that can’t be accomplished, or accomplished in a sustainable manner

When these fears are active, people are not able to fully and authentically contribute to a team and it’s success. We are not able to get the best from people if they do not feel safe to move through fear. Fear holds us back from taking risks, trying new things, being authentic, and moving forward to be at our best as individuals, as a team, and as an organization.

Fear doesn’t ever really go away though. High performing groups still feel fear, but to lesser degrees as they practice moving through fears. Fear comes up, and they say "hi fear, thanks for coming out… I’m going to go do this thing I’m scared of anyway." That is how we expand to become better versions of ourselves. That is how the most successful people and organizations became successful. That is one way companies gain a competitive edge — create an environment where people feel safe to move through fears.

What Hypomania can look like?

I haven't blogged recently, this is because my energies have been directed at keeping me on course at work and it's been busy and challenging for me with a bit of a blip a few weeks back where I had more anxiety than I had  had for a long time.  I think I've managed to course correct and I feel better than I did a few weeks back.
I saw someone else blog regards what their BiPolar meant to them and as BiPolar and Hypomania is oft misunderstood I thought it might be worth explaining the Hypomanic state and what it can feel/look like,  I don't find myself with Hypomania very often as I'm more in the depths of anxiety and depression but when it does kick in it can feel very strange, partly because whilst it's happening I'm not very aware of it and it's only in looking back that I can reflect on it.
So looking back at my episodes of Hypomania what can I reflect on?

• It's racing thoughts and ideas, a feeling that you are a Superman
• It's obsessing over very small things such as skin tags and moles
• It's being hyper positive, saying 'yes' to multiple things at once and feeling that you are limitless and things need to happen now, right now
• It can be like your mind has a 100 search engines open at once
• It's a feeling that you are late when there is no deadline but things need to happen fast
• It's a feeling that you have all the answers and speaking at 100mph

It's all the above and none of them and it's only after an episode that I reflect on them, a very normal Hypomanic episode for me is me going from an empty social diary to booking in something almost every day for a month, it's like the opposite of catastrophe thinking when you have anxiety where you think you can make things happen/succeed at will.
I'm learning that this is all a part of my BiPolar and with medication and therapy I'm learning to navigate this better and trying hard to see if I can identify warning signs as normally i rely on other people noticing that I'm manic.

Hillsborough and Humanity

As a Nottingham Forest fan I'm very very aware of Hillsborough and all that happened at the FA Cup Semi Final that Nottingham Forest could not win when replayed.  I'm aware of the reaction of the Murdoch newspapers which was my overriding memory of what followed, the low brow way that they made amazing unfounded claims before any investigation had taken place and ran with the headline 'The Truth'.  As we knew then i think as football fans and as we now absolutely know, it was far from the truth.  It's sad that 'The Sun' and 'The Times' did not feel that they could run with Hillsborough headlines on the day that the verdict was the number 1,2 & 3 story in the British press.

I am so pleased for the families and the activists that they have got a Jury verdict that vindicates their loved ones.  I remember the compelling Jimmy McGovern film that Chris Eccleston said was the most important work he had ever done and he's a Manchester/ Salford lad I believe.

With it's lies, cover ups, half truths, grotesque pantomime headlines in Murdoch newspapers, behaviour of public servants across the Police and Politics. Bernard Inghams letter to a Liverpool supporter said all about the disdain that the political elite had for Football supporters at the time, the Guardian has been at the centre of any journalistic integrity around the story.   For football writers across the Papers outside of the Murdoch and right wing press the story has been a back beat to any coverage of Liverpool over the years and it reached it's crescendo with the verdict yesterday, then a barnstorming and passionate speech in the House of Commons from Andy Burnham, I had always thought Andy just a little light weight in the oratory department but yesterday his speech was fair and well judged and I think the reason SYP had an almost immediate suspension at the very top of its management.

The Guardian reporting in 1999 prompted the then new Labour administration to set up the Hillsborough Independant Panel, a process of discovery was started.

It was interesting to see Theresa May read the full Jury verdict when to me this verdict is a result of the pressure of 'Human Rights' being brought to bear when everything else is stacked up against tose who want to get to the 'Truth', we need the EU Human Rights legislation and we ought to be proud when people are exonerated and justice is done that we were founding sign ups to the Human Rights legislation.

Don't be fooled by a Little England, Little UK view that Britain is better on it's own, after all what did the Bill of Human Rights ever do for anyone ??????


***END***

Breaking Good

There was an article that appeared in mid March on the ‘A Life of Productivity’ BLOG that looked at ‘breaks’, we are all aware that in using IT equipment we are encouraged to have regular breaks from the equipment but this BLOG talked about engineering our breaks to follow the same pattern as our sleep, I’m not quite sure what the science of it is but I guess finding and utilising our bodies natural rhythms has got to be worth a try.  The BLOG called for breaks every 90 minutes because the general accepted period that we sleep in, is 90 minute cycles, each period alternating between light, deep and REM sleep.  There is it seems an argument that in the mornings at work our bodies alternate between 90 minute periods of wakefulness punctuated by 20-30 minute periods of sleepiness/tiredness ( my won experience is that I’m tired most of the afternoon after 2pm rather than in bursts in the morning ).  The advice seems to be to break every 90 minutes and take 10/20 minutes when we are naturally groggy.  This seems a bit simplistic to me and is obviously hard to achieve when you have colleagues booking meetings across your natural rhythms of the morning.

So we have a counterintuitive proposition that its better to take more breaks for better productivity.  This sort of implies that a break acts as downtime to refresh and recharge yourself, now there might be guilt associated with this but lets remember the end goal of our working isn’t so much about how much we do, but its about how much we achieve.

To play this into my mental health challenges that I have in the work place, I know that I am really tired in the afternoons so my takeaway is that in order to improve my productivity in the afternoons I will need to take more breaks and I’m hopeful that will improve my performance in the afternoon,  I will also look at the 90 minute period in  the earlier part of the day as best I can.  Apparently a way of doing this is to look at writings on the Pomodoro cycle which looks at the work/break make up of your working practices.  Another thing I am looking to achieve because of the fatigue I have in the afternoon is to work on tasks such that I don’t try to finish them without a break but I work on them whilst I feel productive, then break, then come back to them and by working on lower priority work in the afternoons I should still maintain performance at work.

The many mantra's of BiPolar Disorder

I came across the below link when you get to it, that offers 20 messages for the BiPolar sufferer, the problem I have with this though is that when you are navigating BPD and Working you have to bring something to the party, you have to have a degree of performance at work.    What I'm trying to say is that the many mantra's out there are often, rightly, attending to self BUT the reality of work is that you can't switch off for hours at a time, you do have to learn, with help, how to navigate your condition and your work environment.

It doesn't mean that the mantra's are not of value, they just seem a little me me me sometimes and as mental health sufferers we still have to work,live with everyone else on a day to day basis.

Have a look
Reflect
See what I mean ........ some are more engaged with the World than others .........

http://themighty.com/2016/03/20-messages-for-anyone-who-feels-restricted-by-a-bipolar-disorder-diagnosis1/

Of value but very self-centric, the world turns still while we navigate our conditions as well.

Happy Easter all, may we all 'rise' with the road .............

Sunday Evening Syndrome & BPD

BiPolar is an interesting condition to have.  I had 'Sunday Evening Syndrome' this last Sunday as I had been on holiday for a week and a half and a lot of the BPD symptoms were mulling around in various ways.

My head was switching from can't keep up with it all to can do it all, from can't possibly fail to irritation that I didn't think I would be able to hit the ground running after a week and a half wrapped up in my family and far from work ( well apart from when my anxiety meant I logged into my work eMail account ).
Depression teetered, doubting my ability to do anything well, my mind feeling like it was burning out and that I was virtually useless.  Folks say 'it will pass' and they are right BUT in the moment this and the anxiety and so unnerving.  I thought I had built up some resilience recently as I had a good 4 weeks full time before my holiday and things had gone okay.

Then, off the back of some great family times I had a bounce into Mania, fast ideas coming too fast, too many ideas.  In stead of clarity there is an overwhleming confusion but a belief that I'm on the curve, I think my humour is brilliant BUT it fails to amuse others.  Everything ends up against the grain. 
It seems that, basically, my condition seems to have exacerbated my 'Sunday Evening Syndrome', eventually I get to grips with it all to some degree, I find some distraction, I create time for mindfulness and breathing ( pulling myself away from Mania ). 
Eventually I get to sleep later that night, a short nights sleep and I'm at work Monday morning, tired as a Dog BUT I'm at work, I haven;t succumbed to despair and mania, I haven't beaten my condition BUT I have navigated it.  I'm tired all day Monday but I acheive a few small things and a sense of stability is there by the end of the day.

The problem is that this condition has exhausted me and that's ridiculous and perhaps hard to run by others as I don't want to live off excuses or be a passenger at work and so I continue to try and navigate my condition through my tiredness and I'm glad that my mood swings have settled.
Just wanted to try and get across teh effort that the condition can some times require to navigate it.
***END*** 

Do No Evil .............

Its just recently been brought to my attention that Sunday April 10^th is Good Deeds Day 2016.  This is an initiative that has taken off in the last 10 years from quite a humble start.  One of the things that Happify.Com has brought out of this upcoming Day is that the very process of doing a good deed is in theory good for your mental health.  So here we have altruistic behaviour that you could engage with that will actually do you good even though your initial beginnings might just be that you want to do the world a favour.

Google started with it’s mantra many years ago of ‘Do No Evil’ and now with it’s pervasive search engine and it’s lack of tax paying in countries where it makes a profit, you could say that the holding back of tax payments might be construed as ‘not doing good’ or making their contribution to what might be used for social good in various countries.

Anyway that’s a bit of a tangent really, regards Google.  Just a bugbear I have, a little like the fact that the ‘X Factor’ isn’t  really a TV show looking for someone with the ‘X Factor’  as they tend to find the same types of singers year on year, just another one of them………….

Anyway, as  I said, that’s all tangential.  ‘Doing Good’ allegedly decreases Stress.  There have been studies that have looked at the link between volunteering for example and hypertension, it was found in a 2013 study that giving back, doing good, volunteering etc etc can have a significant positive affect on blood pressure.  There are other studies that align with the position that giving money and time away can also have the same affect, basically having a generous demeanour will benefit you and also you may well get that ‘Helpers high’ where the brain releases endorphins, feel good chemicals in your brain. 

Now this is where it gets tricky as I want to share my own sense of ‘Doing Good’ but I don’t want folks to think I’m blowing my own trumpet, what I do want to do though is give a sense that you can engage with this as I have tried to with a degree of organisation.  I have a 6.66 fund which I use for donations to Just Giving etc causes so that I can support people who ask me without having to think how much to donate as I have a rate that I set and that’s what I use, I like to be able to do this giving, it does feel good that you laready know you’ve allowed for that in your monthly budgeting. Someone asks me and if it’s something I like the idea of, I donate £6.66.  I then try and be thankful myself, sounds a bit twee I agree by ‘Paying it Forward’ as I know people have done stuff for me, so I look each week for something that I can just do when the opportunity arises to help someone out without there being any payback for me, I don’t look for things that would over reach me like say, painting the whole of someones house BUT something like last week where I got someones shopping for them because they couldn’t get out to do it.  I guess I’m just saying that it’s not normally too much of an ‘ask’ to deliver on ‘Good Deeds’ as you can limit them to what you, as a person can manage.  With mental health challenges you would often have to do that but there is a benfit to engaging with this attitude.

As ever, I hope this make some degree of sense.

Tony

Good Deed Day ~~ http://gdd.goodnet.org/about

 ***END***

Never Mind the Polyps

............. a little something I did for friends for Prostate Cancer awareness:-  ( deliver in JCC style-e )

Never Mind the Polyps
(cc) Tony Amis, 2016

Lets kick cancer in the balls
Everyday check in your smalls
Testicular cancer easier to find
Fiddling down there won’t make you blind

A harder topic that might need a Proctor
Get that well man booking with the Doctor
They might stick a finger up your bum
For some of our friends that’s probably fun

Only men have a prostate gland
Creates our semen ain’t that grand
Its the shape of a walnut underneath the bladder
Its the size of the head of a grass snake adder

Over the years its been a blast
Urinate, get in, wiggle about, ejaculate last
Well our women will tell us thats not the truth
Ejaculate fast ever since we were youths

Now prostate cancers not that funny
In old buggers like me its worth being prepared
If youre up all night having multiple wees
Every few hours its worth becoming aware
Other things it might be worth taking note
Difficulty when having a pee
Straining or a long time finishing your wee
A slow flow when urinating
A feeling youre not emptying your bladder that keeps you waiting
Sometimes leaking before you get to the loo
Dribbling wee when youre having a poo
Dribbling wee after you’ve finished
Speak to your Doctor and check alls okay
Men, think about checking these things today

The Prostate has played its quiet innings for the bedroom department
As old buggers lets think about symptoms in these days we are less ardent

***END***

Its such a perfect day I want to spend it with you .................

Today is February 14th, valentines day.  I think a lot of us look at valentines day with healthy skepticism, ultimately because with your partner, lover, wife, husband, every day should be special just because you are together.  In a way I feel valentines day cheapens 'real love'.

There are 364 other days in the year where we can choose to celebrate our relationships and I'm pretty sure those days are better days to do that than February 14th.  It's not a hallmark cards invented tradition though, as paper valentines cards date back to the 19th century.  

The holidays roots are roman, around fertility and in the 5th century a Pope created a feast day the day before the age old fertility festival to be Saint Valentines Day.

There are a number of things that I think we need to do to keep our relationships healthy.

1. Don't compare your relationship to other peoples relationships.  All relationships are unique.

2. Don't strive for your idea of perfection in your partner. 

3. Vive le difference.

4. Acknowledge the things you and your partner are good at, play to your strengths.

5. Spend time doing each others favourite things.

6. I think it's okay to be assertive in a relationship, don't be treated without respect, if your relationship is strong this should be a given anyway.

7. You still need to find time to do the things that you enjoy as individuals.

So that's my recipe.  Now let's turn that on it's head.  If you are suffering with your mental health challenges, the advice for a relationship could be the advice to yourself.  Looking at those 7 above targetted at you as an individual.

1. Don't compare yourself to other people. 

2. Don't strive for perfection.

3. Vive le difference, all people are not created equal.

4. Acknowledge the things that you are good at, your strengths.

5. Treat yourself well, do things you enjoy

6. Be assertive, don't let people treat you with little or no respect

7. Engage in work and hobbies you enjoy

Well, i'm not sure that makes sense but it did when I started writing it ............. Now I have 2 holidays Monday & Tuesday to recharge myself after my first full week back at work last week.

Mindfulness is a skill ..........

mindfulness is hard ...........

The following are tips for mindfulness at work.

They may help / they may not.

A lot of folks tell me ( and I myself find ) that it’s really hard being mindful at work, even in short bursts.

·         Not judging your thoughts becomes easier with practice. Avoid logical left brain thinking, label the thoughts and pack them away.

·         Try not to judge yourself as well, don’t get cross with yourself as that will defeat the object of your mindful moments.

·         Try checking in with the body, this should distract your thoughts. Asking ‘How is the old left shoulder blade’ today may stop your mind wandering.

·         Experiment and discover which flavours of the above work for you, allowing you to continue being mindful.

The science behind mindfulness is quite basic.  Paying attention to the sole process of breathing means that you are increasing activity in the attention association are of your brain, you are concentrating rather than logically thinking.  Allegedly sitting in an upright position aides triggering positive neural circuit activity.  Breathing and focussing on that tends to switch your brain from habitual thinking to creative thinking, thinking that helps.  Over time as you utilise mindful thinking your parasympathetic nervous system is activated which should lead to a mentally clear and alert state of mind.

Resilience to be Cheerful part 3

Resilience to be Cheerful part 3

Except its really just Part 2, but that isn't a play on the Ian Dury song 'Reasons to be Cheerful Part 3', enough, okay I'll move on.

In discussions with my GP, Mental Health Nurse, Talking Therapist I recognised the need for resilience as I begun to see an ever so slight upturn in my depression and anxiety before my failed return to work in October last year before I again returned 12th November.  I was very much afraid that I would relapse again and again and again for the rest of my working life having episodes of Depression, Anxiety in 2010, 2012, 2014 and now 2015 ......... I was afraid that I would be boom and bust mentally for the years upto my retirement.  Right now I'm feeling a tad more optimistic again regards this as I have my first full time working weeks next week and the week after.  I need resilience and robustness because I don't want to be in a cycle of relapse and recovery at close proximity.  I guess I can't promise myself respite from this nor can my health professionals but I know I need to work as hard as I can to avoid that relapse cycle.

Resilience is all about me growing my capacity to handle difficulties, demands, any high pressure situations without becoming overtly stressed or triggered into depression/anxiety/mania.  I don't have a magic wand, I'm aware that I can only do what I can do and hope that it builds resilience and robustness over time.

I think from a headline position its about:-

• Not wasting energy on unimportant small matters
• Being flexible to change ( harder to do than say )
• Ian Holroyd's Bouncebackability ( football manager saying )
• Making the best of any new situation
• In all the above, seeing off the negative demon on your shoulder
• Mindful working
• Mindful living
• Seeing and understanding fight or flight respones as they arise
• Not being hard on self ( avoiding perfectionism )
• Don't judge own thoughts
• Don't get cross if you are negative, forgive yourself quickly
• Plan your day but dont Judge your day against that plan ( flexibility )
• Allow yourself happiness

There is no magic wand but all the above are going in my little red notebook.  Allowing me to focus on my best chance for resilience and robustness.

We'll see how it all goes.

Resilience is Useful .............

Resilience is Useful, Mindfulness quickie in the workplace

Im not sure how this post will work as I'm unsure that I'm resilient yet at work and home following my illness this last 7/8 months and the condition I'm now navigating.  There was a phrase in Star Trek 'Resistance is Useless' however something I have often discussed with my GP over the last 7/8 months is that I need Resilience once I'm back in the work place, I have relapsed last year far too quickly after my prior episode and I really want to be back at work, robust and resilient against stressors and challenges and my condition.

One of the things I have been trying to do at work is work mindfully, this probably sounds like a load of old tosh but having read around things and continued my dialogue with my Talking Therapist this feels the right thing to try and do and maintain it even when the work day brings a full diary.

Work is, and has always had the potential to be challenging for people.  We find ourselves in the so called 'digital age'  driven by the constant need for efficiencies and cost effectiveness.  I'm sure in some companies you could argue that this might have led to some unhealthy working practices.  There is an idea that we can multi-task but science has poo-pooed this in reality, the belief being that unless a dual task is something you have done time and time again ( sub conciously now ) then you brain is involved in context switching all the while you try to carry out 2/3 different tasks with different focuses.  The advice here is to prioritise and work on one focus at a time to get the best results.

Working mindfully is said to allow us to become more aware of our mental processes, in theory alllowing us to more easily choose the appropriate strategy for any piece of work/task.  I have a little red book that I have on my desk in plain sight in front of me, the idea being that when I am letting my jobs run away with me and I'm falling into context switching that I will remember that I need to be mindful and pull the little red notebook out and carry out a mindfulness exercise.  I'm not very good at this but I hope that I'm getting better week by week.  It also has some learnings I have made from past CBT exercises and other little quotes and notes that hopefully gee me up and help me to survive in the workplace.

One exercise I have written down is a 3 step mindfulness practice and I've been known to have to do this in the work toilets because I cant find somewhere to carry out the practice, it can be really hard to do at your desk unless its first thing in the morning and nobody hardly is in.  I'm hoping that the more I avoid context switching and the more I work mindfully the more resilient I will get and that relapse will be further and further away as I navigate my BiPolar condition.

The 3 step work mindfulness exercise boiled down.  1)  Find a comfortable upright position and avoid slouching.  Although you can do this with your eyes open at work it's probably easier to do this with your eyes shut.  Closing the eyes mean that you are avoiding visual stimulus.  Initially deal with your current thoughts and by recognising them and letting them go.   2)  Focus on your breath coming in and going out, use this as your anchor, make it your focus.   3)  Spend just a minute or two recognising how your body feels in the here and now.  Be aware of any physical sensations and accept them, good or bad, lamenting on bad sensations with not help, just let them pass over you, let them go.  Move to an acceptance that present moment sensations add no fuel to negative thoughts, in the moment you are under no threat.

I hope that makes sense.  A lot of Mindfulness authors make it sound so so simple and it isn't, I find it really hard to get to that moment of 'Now' where you are under no threat but if you can access it then it's a good tool to garner more resilience.

This is a bit more of a lesson of a Blog so apologies but as I continue my phased return to work I'm finding that I have to access things like this to keep going.  One thing I'm struggling with at the moment is that I seem to hit a wall energy wise at about 2:30pm on full days in the office.  I haven't really found a solution to that as yet.

Rejecting negative thinking ......... well trying to anyways !

So, one of the things I have been working on, because it trips me up so badly, is rejecting negative thinking.  This is something that I have worked on with my talking therapist but also have targeted with Hypnotherapy as well ( even though I’m still a little sceptical there, I’ve still parted with my money!).

There are techniques that I have been told of or had explained to me.  I have tried them all but I haven’t found them all successful for me.  One of the first I was taught was the ‘throwing away’ technique which was taught through hypnotherapy and I haven’t really got it to work for me.  The idea here is that of visualisation and feeling, so taking the negative or anxietal thought in your head and moving it from your head down your head, shoulders and into your arm and then into your fist from which you throw it away, though I can find this technique relaxing I don’t find that the throwing away works for me.  Secondly I’ve been told of another technique that works better for me, it’s effectively a technique of distraction where when a negative/anxietal thought comes, you then do something else in your head alongside it, not for long, just for perhaps 30 seconds or so and if the thought comes back you do so again, you need to be disciplined.  Things to do are, go shopping in your mind, think of a list of shopping you currently need or list you favourite songs or think through some repetitive actions that do on a regular basis to carry out a practical task, ‘chopping and stacking wood’ maybe.  Thirdly, a practical version of the first above is to write your negative/anxietal thoughts down on post it notes or paper and throw them away or burn them, I haven’t tried this though I have been involved in a thankfulness exercise where post it notes were used and that is a positive distracting process.

Another thing that research has found is that worry and rumination can result from and in that being mirrored in other folks, so there is an idea that you should try and surround yourself with more positive people.  This is tricky for me, as if I think of myself as negative then what right do I have to expect positive people to want me around, but that’s a typical vicious circle with mental health.  I’m lucky that quite a lot of my friends are positive souls, not all of them, but enough that this can be uplifting for myself.

It’s said that if your negative thoughts result in feelings of loneliness often holding a hit liquid in your hands can be helpful, that you can gain comfort from a hot cup of tea/coffee/cocoa held in your hands, this works on substituting physical warmth for emotional warmth and I think even experts see this as just a sticking plaster for folks.  So ‘keep calm’ and ‘have a cup of tea’ I guess J

If you are having negative and anxietal thoughts an expert Winch says ‘ If your urge to ruminate is very strong, distracting yourself isn’t going to be easy.  So before you try, it may be necessary to reframe or reappraise the situation in your head’.   My understanding of this is that if you have a situation that’s playing out such as you are stuck at a bus station because of a cancelled bus or traffic jam for you getting there then don’t focus on what you are missing out on, instead use the time to do something positive like, ring your parents, get a little bit of work done, write a shopping list etc etc.  Once you have reframed the thoughts initially you may then find that you are more easier to distract yourself in the medium term from your ruminations.

I don’t know if any of this will help folks but it’s something that I have been thinking about recently.

Tony

twelve symptoms #12 , apols it took rather longer than the 12 days of christmas ...............

##12. Hopelessness / Suicidal Thoughts

For me, I can spot when I’m depressed but I can seem to do very little about it, but I know I’m depressed.  A telling symptom of a depressive episode associated with bipolar is an overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness. We can fall into a state of depression and this then means that the symptoms flip from those associated with manicness/mania  (where sufferers can have heightened happiness and euphoria). You will often quiet quickly become sluggish/fuggish and won’t see much point in trying to hit goals.  Another common symptom is a near-total loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed, music, books, film, children, friends, I’m told this includes sexual activity. This can be seen as juxtaposed to what happens during a manic episode, when sufferers tirelessly pursue their interests and may engage in compulsive, excessive behaviour.

Sufferers with bipolar disorder will often feel sad and depressed, feel hopeless. I have never felt so hopeless as to have plotted anything suicidal however, and I need to be careful regards this as members of my family will read this blog, I have had thoughts about how much better off people would be without me.  I’m worth more dead due to pensions and death in service benefits BUT I’m not!  Because ultimately we are of such great emotional value to our friends and family who love us that we must absolutely fight the devil on our shoulder here.  Suicidal thoughts can be extremely dangerous, since bipolar disorder also commonly includes compulsiveness. A sufferer feeling despondent to the point of suicide may have the compulsion to act on that, it’s really key that we can stay aware such that we don’t find ourselves in this place.

If these symptoms present themselves to you to any degree, please seek medical or professional attention immediately. Sufferers  with suicidal ideas or exhibiting suicidal behavior need quick and keen interventions to tackle these ideas/behaviours.

twelvw symptoms #11

#11. Chronic Pain with No Known Cause

 Sufferers experiencing other symptoms on this list, along with chronic pain with no known cause, may be suffering from bipolar disorder. I haven’t had this symptom personally but I’m informed that pain can present itself throughout many parts of the body, which could be but I guess we would not limit to, severe headaches. Muscle aches and generalised aches, nonspecific pains can also occur.  I don’t think I understand this very well as I can’t imagine this, though I have had headaches but have put them down to medication changes and things that headaches would normally be a symptom of.

There are cases, where the pain felt has a known cause, but for BiPolar sufferers it may be amplified and intensified. An example migh be, a person with a mild thing like a bruised knee may complain of unbearable throbbing pain, intense pain, greater than what would normally be expected from a mild injury. Curiously, it has been established, that rather than painkillers, it seems that antidepressants offer the most effective relief from this type of pain.

twelve symptoms #10

#10  Fatigue

Perhaps couter-intuitively contrary to manic symptoms/episodes, Sufferers suffering from a depressive episode will often experience extreme tiredness and fatigue. I often feel worn out by my depression and anxiety and even though I haven’t done anything really, feel tired and listless and want to shut myself away from the world and roll up in bed.  An overall lack of motivation throughout the day and the prior are all potential signs of bipolar disorder. Its said that these symptoms are one of the clearest juxtapositions of the night to day to night dichotomy between mania and depression, the two non equal sides of BiPolar disorder.  As well as any felt physical fatigue, sufferers often feel mentally “bogged down” ( I have stated this as feeling muggy and not able interllect wise to do my job ). During depression I and despite maybe getting enough/ample sleep I still feel a Mental sluggishness replaces the manic mania euphoria, I lack, often quite suddenly can lack desire/drive to do the things that interest them.  I also suffer from a failure of decision making, too much choice means I fail to relax. Eg.  I might have 5 films ,  5 Cd’s, 5 work books , 5 comics etc etc to choose from BUT I just can not choose what to utilise !!!

*********ALSO*********

I wrote a short poem regards David Bowie ~ http://sane.org.uk/support_forum/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=28859

He will be missed, more than that he probably inspired a lot of people regards fashion, sexuality and music

twelve symptoms #9

#9 Missed Work and Appointments

Apparently a common symptom of bipolar disorder is the inability to maintain a schedule. This causes many sufferers to miss work or other commitments, luckily I haven’t really had this too much at all.  I do occasionally feel the need to roll up foetally in my bed underneath the duvet and hide away but this is rare when I’m actually at work.  If I’m ill to the factor that my symptom’s affect my day to day life then I’m normally already off work though on returns to work the odd days can be lost.

During a manic period there is an expectation that the sufferer may be busy persuing other activities and miss work, deeming without check that the other activities are more important at the time, again I have not had evidence of much of this.  In fact when I’m manic I’m more likely to over work, overdo my working life amongst the mania.  I have had the issue where I can’t focus on the task at hand so I have seen work disrupted that way during a manic episode.  During depression the lethargy can sometimes kick in and I fail to see the point in working or life in general.