Now

One aspect of my mental health journey has been my battle with some of the skills, some of the tools that professionals and therapists equip us with for our toolbox when suffering.

In the midst of low mood, high anxiety and occasional manic periods, I have kept the routine of mindfulness (meditation) going but I have felt often that I have got very little from it, made very little progress, seen only brief escape from the melting pit of my anxietal thoughts.  At times it felt torturous, it felt boring but it was a routine I kept to.  You look into your mind and it's not a great place, teh distractions from peace, from the breath are many.  My head is clogged with overthinking and negative predictions and the mindfulness wasn't helping.

However, as I recover and I think that's the stage I'm in now I can see the benefits of this toolset, I can see that even when I'm not in the mood, which is normally the case, it is a good thing to do.  With PT you see the effects of your gym work but with Mindfulness it's not so obvious. However, I'm beginning to think that I'm buiding up a part of my brain that I hope will mean that rather than ruminate, eventually the normality will be to ignore the negative thoughts, paying attention to the breath and the positive rather then being hauled off to some awful future or enlarged guilt that the mind seduces me to follow rather than the 'now', the safety of the 'now'.

I'm sort of beginning to understand that if you want peace then sometimes you need to think that there is only 'now' at those times and that 'now' is a safe place to be.

It's not a be all and end all cure, it's a tool, it's something that appears to work under the right circumstances.  It's worth persevering with.

The City that never sleeps. The Mind that never sleeps .....

The City that never sleeps

There is a saying that New York is the city that never sleeps and it's probably a fair saying at that.  I'm 2 weeks into 3 weeks in the USA visiting my new Grandaughter with a 2 night trip to New York in the middle. 

New York reminded me of Tunisia and Morocco and Sri Lanka in the sense that my anxiety was perked by the street sellers and constant offers of entertainment in some form for tips.  I have a problem in that I don't like to say 'No' as I see these people as more needy than me and therefore I have come away with 2 comedy tickets I didn't even use and 3 reggae/raga CDs I didn't want.  The CDs could contain anything or nothing.   

I'm not moaning, just observing that the constant bombardment of this nature was another trigger for anxiety and it would have been hard to enjoy New York without exposing yourself to this, to see the buzzy areas like Times Square without walking through this melee.  My mood has improved steadily whilst I have been in the USA, my son and his wife have been fantastic hosts and I have been able to trade them Grandads belly for some sleep, Grandaughter neatly sleeping on natures aged pillow.  

Though with my mood which I have been asked to score improving I was thinking that I haven't been asked to score my anxiety, that has really only been evidenced back to my GP and case worker by diarising my feelings and experience alongside scoring my mood daily.  As on the bipolar scale they are looking at the lows and the elation, Wellers 'ever changing moods'.  Throughout this I have found that my triggers for anxiety have not been simple, oh for that to be the case, so I'm perplexed weekly when reflecting on that anxiety because ultimately it never makes sense, it never adds up, my mood is better yet there is still some degree of fragility there mentally.  Soooo though I'm hopeful I'm still also nervous still about the road to recovery as I know I need to transition from some of the acute medications in order to, for instance, perform a working day.  

I would really like the chance of the Psychiatrist appointment that I'm on the wait for before a return to work but I really don't know how the timings are going to work,  I'm still pushing forward with talking therapy, CBT and Mindfulness and as I've said before I understand the science I can't always make it work for me though one thing that has been good recently has been a Gratefulness diary, just once a week, a really positive reflection, no shoulds or wouldst just dids and thanks for others.  

This has as usual been a ramble and though I don't really understand things any better than I did  10-12 weeks ago I know I'm in a better place, the mood improvements mean though the anxiety can still be exhausting the better mood and I guess Meds/ Therapy mean that I'm moving forwards and that means continued hope amongst any confusion in my head.  

Thanks for listening once again AND for those who want me to sort that Spewtum CD stuff out, I know I will soon-ish.   

Just a short note to say that I had a good call with my UK talking therapist from USA this morning, my mood is good so hopefully when home from USA I can begin to make plans for a return to work.  I will need to get off the Tranq drugs though.

Though my mood is good my anxiety is still up and down but it is better.  I'm due to do my CBT scores in the next few days so hopefully they will perk up.

Again thanks to all my suppor, I appreciate it.  I'm still awaiting dates for some NHS appointments but I guess they will continue even if I'm improved to make sure I have a spot on diagnosis.

Decision making is an odd one at the moment as I'm beginning to be able to make them though I doubt them later,  I'm hoping this continues over next few weeks.   It's odd because it's not just work decisions and analysis that I struggle with its decisions regarding even what to try and chill to, the whole gamut of deciding anything from small scale to far wider reaching stuff.

I'll continue one day at a time.  Missing lil Oscar back home but Felicity is a tonic.  

Peace

Too Much Information

Blog

1 in 4.  That's the statistic that's thrown about.   About 1 in 4 of your family, friends, colleagues will suffer an episode of acute mental health in their lifetime.   So this will touch everyone even if you are unaware of say a friend who is under the black dog or full of overwhelming anxiety etc etc.   

Some folks will have an ongoing battle with their mental health and will experience multiple episodes, they will feel weak and fragile and oft embarrassed.  They may look like they are not making the efforts to socialise, contribute but underneath they will be fighting believe me.  Battling their own challenges in myriad ways.

One of the things that has become apparent is that if you can't see an episode off at the pass so to speak, in the early weeks engaging with therapy or self help can and often will prove difficult.  I asked Ruby Wax, as she waxes lyrical about the benefits of Mindfulness regards mental health how she manages to engage with Mindfulness and therapies when overwhelmed by Depression and Anxiety and she responded that at that time you need to seek your GP and medication.

Until recently all my interventions had been medication from my GP and my Mental Health case worker,  though there had been dialogue with the MHN and GP the medication interventions were and to some degree are still acute.   Now this left me frustrated and as I really want to get better I sought through therapies I had used before to seek self help with CBT and Mindfulness.   Talking Therapists didn't really want to engage whilst I was trying to access the NHS Psychiatric services as they felt I needed long term therapy due to the episodes repeating themselves.  

Frustrated that CBT and Mindfulness were not giving me progress alongside my medication In my keenness to get better, run before I can walk, I sought out advice from friends and forums etc.  some friends reached out to me which was wonderful as well, helped the dim hope in me at the time.  So ...... Now I have finished reading the Steve Peters book 'The Chimp Paradox'.  Fascinating approach.  It seems that a lot of mind management models seek to reframe the cognitive processes in some way.   Prof Peters approach is a Do Something approach.  Intervene with the Chimp.  CBT appears to be a ReWiring approach.   Three Principles of mindconsciousness  & thought is a Do Nothing approach.  Has all left me a tad confused though hopeful that something will work longer term.  I guess I have to find what works for my head / my mind.   I dont know if your personality dictates what will work for you.   There is no real reference to the BiPolar spectrum in Chimp Paradox only Autism so when he talks about different mind types then I'm not sure where my Cyclythymia fits.   The very non interventionist nature of the Three Principles scares me a bit as it feels that you ought to aim to change or better yourself in some way.  It feels very counter intuitive.   CBT is something that I have worked with over a number of episodes now and though I understand the science I feel like I'm putting the effort in but not getting the results.   Ultimately I think my desire to get better is meaning that I'm impatient as my NHS interventions have all been medical thus far so I have forged ahead with reading and CBT and very recently private talking therapy.  Now I have multiple models in front of me.  This is all very hard as two things I'm rubbish at during an episode is analysis and excision making.  Amongst others. 

Fortunately I think the medical intervention is beginning to help and my moods have been improved apart from a couple of manic blips.   The anxiety though is still there peaking occasionally though perhaps not as overwhelming as it has been.  The meds for the anxiety are a tad tranquilising and mean I can feel dopey for a lot of the day.  

I'm hoping that Diagnosis will progress when I return from the USA and it means I'll be better placed for matching medication and therapy to my condition.  

What's the point of this ramble you might ask?   I guess it's to underline that mental health episodes are not served by 'pull yourself together' as the landscape for therapy is complex as are all patients.  

Hope some of this makes sense.   

Tony x